This past week was the thirtieth anniversary of the death of Kurt Cobain. Many people who were closer to him and/or more insightful than me have written many articles about him. This is only my experience this week.

I pulled out my Nirvana albums and listened to Nevermind and In Utero specifically. While listening to them, I spent a great deal of this time thinking about the past and what the future could have been like if Kurt Cobain was still alive.

1. The past:

I was fourteen when Nevermind was released. The first time I heard “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on the radio, I knew this song was something different, something that really spoke to me as a fourteen year old. I scraped a few dollars together and went to the mall to buy the cassette single of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” with “Even in His Youth” as the B side. I liked the songs and wore out the tape. At the time, our local library had cassettes to rent, and when they got their copy of Nevermind (with a sticker conveniently censoring the cover), I snagged it up and listened to it nonstop for the entire two week rental period. I loved all of the songs, and even though the radio was playing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” over and over, I liked the B side of the cassette much better than the hits on the front side. Eventually Nirvana became a juggernaut. While all of my classmates were loving Kurt Cobain, I was listening to other bands from Seattle area, particularly Mudhoney, Screaming Trees, and anything put out on the Sub Pop label. I revisited Nirvana many times throughout this period, but I really connected to some of the other bands. Not to say that I did not think that Nirvana was masterful, I just liked other bands more at the time. 

This all seems like lightning in a bottle. Nirvana was not supposed to really capture the country and the music industry by storm. Every kid my age should not have had a copy of Nevermind or a smiley face Nirvana t-shirt. When I relisten to their albums now that I am 46 instead of 14, I can feel that by the time In Utero was released, Kurt Cobain was feeling the same way. The songs on In Utero feel strained in a way, like Kurt was having a hard time pulling these songs out of the depth of his being, the tug-of-war bringing him to the brink of death. He is telling us he is ready to be done with the station that life has given him.

These observations are easier now because of the events that took place after In Utero, his struggles with stomach issues and addiction, his disenchantment with the fame and spotlight he had been thrust into, all of the success that became afflictions on his career. In Utero was released in September 1994. Seven months later, he was dead. In Nirvana’s three studio albums, one album of B-sides, and an acoustic MTV concert, we are given a body of work that feels complete, like Kurt had said what he wanted to say and knew it was time to stop. 

2. The Present

One of the most honest things that I can say is that Nirvana is that they are a great band for young people. I was fortunate enough to be a teenager when Nirvana was releasing new music, so I can tie some of their songs into my feelings about the world, my dissatisfaction with life. Nirvana’s songs were a companion along my dark teenage journey. There are lyrics that I can quote today that sums up exactly how I felt at the time when they were released. 

“I’m so lonely, that’s okay, I shaved my head. And I’m not sad

And Just maybe I’m to blame for all I’ve hurt, but I’m sure

I’m so excited, I can’t want to meet you there, and I don’t care

I’m so horny, that’s okay, my will is good”

~Lithium

Of course from fourteen to seventeen the other thing that really interested in besides music was girls. There are Nirvana lyrics I sang as loud as I could in my bedroom, pretending to sing to a girl I had a high school crush on. The two songs that really spoke to me were “Lithium” and “Breed”, even though in retrospect, they both seem to be pretty crass songs to sing to woo girls. At that age, I was attracted to the songs because I felt the emotion that came with them, like I honestly believed that Kurt was in the same place I was, in his bedroom, pouring his heart out to his unrequited love, but with each repetition, the song lost a little hope but grew a little bit of bitterness. 

I relisten to these albums now and see them as a part of the time capsule to my youth, songs that came out in my formative years, songs that felt as if they were written for me in that moment. These are songs for my 17 year old self, not for my 46 year old self. I am not diminishing the greatness of Nirvana. Nevermind as a whole is pure magic. I am saying that when I have listen to Nirvana now, I feel as if I am no longer the target audience. While I have grown older, Nirvana has stayed the same. Kurt Cobain died thirty years ago, and their growth as a band has stunted, whereas my growth has mercilessly continued. 

The song that really strikes me in a new way now, listening to them thirty years later, is “Pennyroyal Tea”. There are some wild theories on the internet about the meaning, but I see it at the shallowest of them. Cobain is singing about his stomach issues, which caused him to turn to heroin as a pain relief. He sounds like an old man, filled with regrets, trying to fix the most base of his pain with some herbal tea. This makes sense to me.  

3. The Alternate Universe

While I listened to In Utero, I started to think about what Nirvana would have been like if Kurt Cobain had not died. My theory is that they would release one or two more albums as Nirvana, Dave Grohl would have started Foo Fighters, and Kurt Cobain would have released a short album of new songs every ten years or so. The songs would still be about decaying self-worth and dissatisfaction, but with the topic turning to growing old. Nirvana might get back together to record a few more songs, but they would not tour, simply because Cobain would never want to be in a band that tours their Greatest Hits. The legacy of Nirvana is much better the way it is, and Kurt Cobain will forever be one of the strongest voices of the teenage struggle.